So Shaun is back in Wales, and I'm depressed. These past two days have felt like an eternity. I don't even want to know what two months will feel like.
I had my ultrasound, though, so that gives me a bit of joy. We couldn't see much since the embryo is so tiny (around the size of a grain of rice - cooked or uncooked? I don't know...), but we got to see the little heart beating! That gave Shaun peace of mind since he had been extremely worried about me hurting the baby while doing a bit of heavy-lifting.
The kids are happy about the baby, though naturally, they all want a sister. I asked them, "What if it's another boy?", and Ricky's response was, "I'll tell him, 'Get back, get back!' and poke him with a stick." How cruel.
I don't want to get my hopes up, but sometimes I feel it's a girl. I don't know if it's the extreme soreness of my breasts (which I don't remember feeling with any of the boys), or the ups and downs, or the moodiness/bitchiness. Still, I'm trying to convince myself that I'm having a boy. Shaun and I had first discussed on not wanting to find out and be surprised, but now we agree that we want to know ASAP.
I finally told my mom and sister about my pregnancy, and to my surprise, they both reacted in a very positive way. My sister even said this may actually be good for me! I'm happy I didn't get any negativity because with all of my emotions being all over the place I wouldn't have handled it very well.
It's been so long since my last entry that I can barely remember half of it. A few things I'll never forget, though..
On February 28th I woke up around 3am not being able to breathe. Since about a week before that I had been getting sick: coughing, stuffy/runny nose, shortness of breathe, asthma attack, etc.. On that morning my asthma medications weren't helping. Not the inhaler nor the nebulizer. I knew I needed medical attention. I got dressed and woke Shaun up. He got up right away and we rushed to the Emergency Room. I was worse by the time we got there, which was a little before 5am. I couldn't speak and was too weak to walk so they moved me around in a wheel chair.
The nurses and Respiratory staff started me on a 1-hour breathing treatment. After it was finished, it only gave me a bit of relief for about 20 minutes; then I was short of breath again. They gave me another 1-hour treatment, but that one didn't help at all. During that time I started to feel nauseous. Then I felt as if I was going to pass out. Shaun freaked out. He called the nurses which didn't do anything at first. He told me how I was very pale, then I started to sweat and got very cold to the touch, though I was burning up. The doctor came in and asked me if I was alright, that I look a little clammy. It's funny how they know you're sick as hell, but still manage to ask if you're alright. Shaun kept putting cold clothes on my neck and forehead, to cool me down, and fed me some ice chips.
A little while later I started having some sharp chest pains. Shaun got very scared so he called the nurses. They had the doctor come in who gave me a nitroglycerin pill, and then another. Those didn't help at all since the pain was in my lungs and not related to my heart.
Since the breathing treatments weren't helping, the doctor asked me if necessary, I would consent to being put on a respirator. Now Shaun really freaked out.. and so did I. This is the first time I ever felt so close to death. Shaun was in tears.. and so was I.
After that second breathing treatment was done, I was moved to an observation room with a 4-hour treatment. Which didn't help either. I got another one of those cold sweat/burning up/feeling nauseous episodes. God, I hated those. But Shaun was still by my side, like a guardian angel.
After what felt like a million blood tests and x-rays, the doctors still had no idea of why. The pulmonary specialist came to see me and told me that I may have a blood clot in a lung. About 9pm I was moved out of the ER and into the ICU. I was stripped off what was left of my clothes and hooked up to even more monitors. I was so weak and out of breath that I couldn't move my own body. I was on a 100% oxygen mask since breathing (or trying to breathe) on my own would let my oxygen levels drop to around 70%. Shaun was let in my room for a bit after all the nurses were done, but visiting hours had over at 8pm so he couldn't stay long. He wanted to stay all night but that wasn't possible unless I had been truly dying.
The next morning he was there over an hour early and didn't spend a second away from me until the nurses told him he had to leave. The pulmonary specialist ordered an ultrasound of my legs to look for blood clots. There were none. They did a CAT scan and before that another test that also took pictures of my chest but I don't know what it was called. I could hardly breathe, much less pay attention. They also needed me to wear a mask and breathe into that for about 15 minutes, but I couldn't breathe and I panicked so I tried taking it off. Shaun took it off me and the bitchy nurse yelled at the both of us. Shaun yelled back and told her I couldn't breathe. That test wasn't finished, but I didn't care.
I was given blood thinners in case it was a blood clot, but as soon as they knew it wasn't I was off them. The CAT scan showed I had double pneumonia. They gave me steroids for my asthma, antibiotics for the infection, breathing treatments every 4 hours, and insulin since my blood sugar was too high due to the steroids. They also gave me some big blue pills to help clear my lungs of all the gunk stuck in there. Very very slowly I was able to take deeper breaths, and though it hurt, it felt great.
I was released on Monday, March 3rd. During the time I was in the hospital Shaun bathed me, fed me, brushed my hair, rubbed my feet and was with me the entire time he was allowed. He truly is an angel.
I was sent home with a portable oxygen tank and an oxygen generator for my bedroom which I used for the next 2 days. I got better pretty quickly after that.
On Wednesday I went to my job to bring the doctor's note and when we were back out in the mall, Shaun got down on one knee and proposed to me with a very beautiful white gold 1/4 ct. diamond ring. The most beautiful and expensive piece of jewelry I've ever had in my possession. I was so surprised. I never thought he'd do anything like that, in front of all those people. When he got up and we started to walk there were some people staring and smiling and one girl even congratulated us.
I'm really happy. Now I just need to get this divorce thing settled with Carlos. It was supposed to have been done already but according to him, he missed the deadline and now we have to start over. I got the papers from the lawyers again and yesterday I took them to Carlos. Now it's just a matter of more waiting.
Last weekend Shaun and I went to visit my sister in New York. We had a really good time. I'm just sorry my sister wasn't feeling too good or we would had done more. She did take us to Time Square and showed Shaun some of the NYC landmarks. I took him on a ferry ride to Staten Island and saw the Statue of Liberty. The best time we had was at Prospect Park, in Brooklyn.
We have some pictures on our myspace and bebo pages.
On February 13th I picked him up at the airport. The ride there was not as long as I thought it would be. Surprisingly, I wasn't even nervous.
We had texted each other several times during the day and the night before. He left his house at midnight. His dad drove him to Cardiff to catch a bus to Heathrow airport. Poor guy didn't sleep at all. He texted me once during that bus ride and sent me a picture. He said he'd tried to get some sleep but some girl was playing loud music so he couldn't sleep. He texted me again once he got to the airport, and then again from Chicago to tell me that his flight to Philadelphia had been cancelled. I went nuts. I cried and everything. He asked me to phone him in a few minutes while he got some information. He was put in an earlier flight, which was delayed by an hour, so he ended up getting here at the same time he was originally supposed to arrive.
I got to the airport a bit early. I waited about 45 minutes for him to arrive. He texted me saying the plane had landed. I asked him where he was and he said he was getting his baggage. I looked all around for him but couldn't find him. We texted each other about 6 more times after that trying to find each other, but nothing. I went upstairs several times and nothing. I was so aggravated already that when he texted me asking me where I was, I started to text back saying, "Just tell me where the fuck you are?!?!". As I was walking and typing, I looked up because someone was standing in front of me and I didn't want to bump into the person. I saw a guy and looked down at my phone again to keep typing, but I did a double-take when I recognized him. He was just standing there, one leg crossed over the other, with a huge grin on his face. All I could say was, "Oh my God". I walked over to him, smiling, and gave him a tight hug. I then kissed him on the lips and we walked over to the car.
The whole drive home we talked and hugged and kissed some more. It was like a dream. It was all better than we had expected. We just kept looking at each other saying how unbelievable it all was.
We barely slept that night. And no, not because of all the sex we had (which we did =D), but because his mom kept texting him. Then he kept complaining of every little noise! I had to take the batteries out of the Elvis Presley clocked he'd sent me for Christmas because the ticking sound didn't let him sleep.. lol The next morning he told me I snore.. LOL
I don't know how I'm gonna sleep once he's gone again. Since he's been here I haven't had any trouble sleeping like I did in the past. I don't want him to leave....
It's been a while since I've made an entry.. but I've been busy! When I'm not working, Shaun and I are out. This is the first time I'll be spending a day at home, and it's because I don't have to work, and it's Sunday so there are no buses running.
I actually went to work today, but then I noticed I wasn't on the schedule, so I came back home. I didn't want to work, anyway.
Shaun and I are getting along wonderfully. He's absolutely wonderful. The kids adore him. Derrick was actually disppointed that I didn't work today because he wanted to play video games with Shaun. I told him he still can. I'll just stay in bed because I'm exhausted. I've been up since 3am.
We got tattoos a couple of nights ago. Shaun got my name on his arm, and I got his name on my chest. It was an impulsive and spontaneous thing, and I still don't regret it.
We're thinking of going to New York this weekend. I really want to see my sister and meet her new boyfriend. She also wants to meet Shaun.
Now I'm just praying that the next 6 weeks don't go pass too quickly.
Oh! We adopted a dog! His name is Max and is between 1 and 2 years old. He's so cute and great with the kids. He farts like crazy, though.. but then again, so does Shaun.. lol
Shaun is finally on his way. I was able to track his flight as the plane was taxiing and once it departed, but now when I put in his flight information on the Heathrow Airport website, I get a message saying that no information is found for that flight. It's as if his plane just disappeared
I'll check again later, near the time his flight is due to arrive at Chicago.
I don't like that he has to wait three hours until his flight to Philadelphia departs
I went to Sears today to do my tax preparation (they have an H&R Block kiosk), and when I was done I decided to shop around for a Valentine/Birthday present for Shaun. I first thought of a pool table, since I know we had some on sale/clearance, but didn't find any that were actually good but cheap. Then I thought of a watch, since a couple of nights ago he was so tired that he couldn't see straight and complained about his watch not having numbers - but I didn't see any I thought he'd like at a price I could afford. I saw a few very nice ones but they were $300 and up
I decided to keep looking around the store until I reached the fragrances department. As I was looking and sniffing, David, a very nice employee passed by. I motioned towards the colognes and said, "Hey David, what's good?". He asked, "You want good, or cheap?" I said, "Good, but not too expensive." Now, I completely trust his opinion, because well, he's gay, and we all now that gay men have great taste and an awesome sense of style. Am I stereotyping? Maybe, but I'm right!
So David suggested a few fragrances: Calvin Klein's Euphoria (I really liked it, but I wanted something other than CK), David Beckham's Intimately Beckham (the women's fragrance was lovely, but the men's one was way too strong and kind of intoxicating for my sensitive nose), Hugo Boss (I liked this as well but it was also a bit too strong), Drakkar Noir (old favorite but I was looking for something new), Cool Water (too sweet, in my opinion), Nautica (Carlos wears that)... Then we came across Lucky Number 6. Hmmm.. there's something I've never heard of, and very different. The bottle was lovely, as well. I took a whiff and Oh.. My.. God.. I swear it was like sex in a bottle. What a sexy and arousing fragrance! I sprayed a bit on my fingers and at first it was a bit strong, but as it dried up it was amazing. It has a spicy, musky scent to it. I couldn't stop smelling my fingers. That was it. That's what I was looking for.
I did a bit of research on it when I got home to see what other people thought about it, and the reviews I read were all positive. I have no doubt that those were $45 well spent. They have it for women as well, so I'm gonna be looking for that.
I can't wait to smell it on Shaun. Just thinking about it makes me want to rip his clothes off, and he's not even here yet!
Thanks to T-Mobile my service is back on. I bought a new SIM card for $20 and put it in my E900. As I already knew would happen, some of the features didn't work, like T-Zones and sending/receiving multimedia messages. After being on the phone for about 2 hours with two different guys in the tech support department, we were able to get those features working. I'm able to receive picture and video messages, but they're tiny on the screen :( It's OK, though.. as long as I can receive/sent them, I don't mind. Multimedia messaging is the only way Shaun and I can text each other since the messages are taken out of plan bundles. Regular text messaging costs us both money and well, that's stupid.
I'm just glad I'm able to use my lovely phone the way I've always wanted to. Derrick is allowed to use it as long as he doesn't leave the house.. LOL
Stella helped me realized that I haven't blogged about my moving. Maybe I was just too annoyed with this house that I didn't even want to blog about it.
This house is falling apart. Literally. The walls are crumbling. I understand it's a very old house, but walls shouldn't crumble! The funny thing is that the owner and his representative (= fucking cunt who I wish would get tortured Vietnam War-style) blame my kids for it. Why do I hate that bitch so much? Because when I wouldn't accept her "advice", she said I was negligent and a bad mother. Who the hell does she think she is?!?! All I used to hear was, "Oh, I also raised 5 kids on my own and I did things very differently." Who the hell asked you, bitch?! Here, take some money and buy yourself some teeth.
I had also made a lot of complaints about the toilet not working properly since I moved here 2 years ago. It got to the point that in order to flush it, we had to dump a bucket of water into the toilet bowl. How primitive. There's also roaches in the kitchen. Those little German bitches are almost impossible to get rid of. I have spent so much money on products to exterminate them, but as I told the landlord time and time again, we need a professional exterminator. Have they sent anyone? No. The beauty of it is that that same bitch, Sarah is her name, said that if I cleaned I wouldn't have roaches. THE FUCKING NERVE!! I may not be Mrs. Clean or Miss Spic & Span, but I fucking clean! And because of those damn little roaches, I have to clean EVERY TIME I'm gonna use the kitchen. I don't even cook as often as I used to because of it, so lately we've been eating a lot of pizza and Chinese take-out.
There's also a leak on my bedroom wall that has completely ruined it. The entire wall, from side to side, is stained and the paint has bubbled up. It's disgusting.
I already found another house, about 15 minutes walking distance from here. When I went to see it I inspected every nook and cranny to make sure I wasn't getting myself into the same situation. The house is in excellent condition. It has a brand new roof, new paint-job, new carpeting, and best of all, it has gas heating, unlike the house I live in now. That brings me to another issue. I need $700 for the new house's security deposit. I already had $300 saved up, but naturally, since I'm cursed, I had to use that to buy heating oil for this house. According to the lease, it's my responsibility to keep oil in the tank at all times.. even in the Summer. The minimum amount of oil I could buy without having to pay a fortune for it was 100 gallons, at $3.07 per gallon. Yes, I cried. Now I have no money for the security deposit and the landlords of the new house are getting anxious.
Either way, even if I had the money, I wouldn't pay the security deposit yet since they still have to get the green light from Section-8, which won't be for about another few weeks. Carlos said he'll help me with the money, not to worry, so I'm trying not to.
At the moment what is bugging me the most is that I wanted to be in the new house by the time Shaun comes, which is in 27 seven days, if God allows it.
For the first time ever, I let Derrick use my mobile phone. He and his ex-girlfriend were going to visit her mom and wouldn't be home until later that night, so when he said, "I'm taking your phone", I said, "Alright, but please don't lose it." I let him borrow it so if he needed to call home for any reason, or if I needed to get in touch with him, I would be able to.
About 15 minutes after he had left, he phoned me from Keli's mom's house to tell me that he lost my phone. Yeah, I went off on the phone and told him (more like, yell at him) to find my phone. He said he retraced his steps and looked everywhere but couldn't find it. I called it several times and it rang and rang until my voicemail picked up. Then Shaun called it and a man answered. Shaun told him it was my phone, to return it, but the man said that was a house phone. Fucking bastard.
I called T-Mobile and suspended my service until I can buy a new phone. Hopefully I'll be able to use the Samsung Shaun sent me a while ago. It's an European phone, so some features won't work, but T-Mobile said they can send me the settings to activate those features. We'll see. I hate to think I'll have to spend another $100+ on a new phone when I really can't afford it.
Actually, it's all better than normal. Things seem to be falling into place.. slowly, but surely.
Things with Shaun are great again. We haven't had any arguments lately, about anything. We're getting along really well and we're both very excited about his upcoming visit. I'm still surprised to see how angry I was in my previous entry, and I see now how bad it all looks. It wasn't that bad, though.. I was just annoyed, frustrated, stressed, and a little fed up.
Work is going awesomely well. I'm not too happy about the fact that next week I'm only scheduled for 5 hours, though. How am I supposed to make any money like that??? The past 2 weeks I worked 72.5 hours altogether, which is good.. I guess I'm gonna have to stretch that cash. Thank goodness I get child support from Carlos and that I don't depend on my salary alone. I'm off work tomorrow, but on Friday I'll talk to my boss about giving me a few more hours next week. I have bills to pay, ya' know?!
This is probably my first rant about Shaun (the first one I decide to blog, anyway). Why am I blogging it? Because I need to vent.. to let it out. And maybe because someone else's opinion would be nice. I'd love to hear from someone else what I already know; That Shaun is a spoiled brat. Sometimes, anyway.
I honestly don't know where to start. Maybe I'm just too angry to do this right now, but that's why I want to do it right now, because I'm angry. Sitting here and typing about it keeps me from getting up and smashing something or taking it out on an innocent soul.
For the past couple of weeks Shaun has been acting extremely jealous. All I get when I get home from work is, "Did any guys talk to you? Did anyone chat you up? Did anyone flirt with you?" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I'm so sick of that! Where the hell did the trust go? Oh, and he says that he trusts me, he just doesn't trust other guys. Well, YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER GUYS! YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME AND I'M THE ONE YOU HAVE TO TRUST! I feel like a criminal being interrogated by a very angry and disgusted prosecutor. I don't deserve this. I have never given him a reason to doubt me and be so damn jealous. I think that for the first time in my life I've been completely honest and loyal with a guy. A guy who can't even appreciate that. I haven't had sex in over a year, for fuck's sake. You'd think he'd appreciate that! He said he's working on that, so we'll see.
He's also giving me shit about working. If it was up to him I would never leave the house! That's what he actually prefers, from what I see. I can see my future already, Shaun taking me out, on a leash, once or twice a week for fresh air, then back to my cage. I don't fucking think so. Since I've been working at Sears (about 3 months), I have never worked a Sunday. Saturdays and Sundays were to spend with the kids (if they're home and not with their dad or grandma), and to spend with Shaun (usually on the phone as we watch the same film or on webcam). I did work a couple of Saturday nights, before Christmas, but not anymore. Well, for the first time my boss put me on the schedule for Sunday. She did it because there are a lot of end-of-season clearance sales, so all the winter stuff needs to be marked down. That's what I do- that's what my department does, we mark stuff down for rapid sales. Naturally, I have to be there. Well, Shaun is giving me shit because I have to work on a Sunday so he won't be able to spend time with me. I told him it's just ONE Sunday. I have to do it for 2 reasons: One, I need the money. And two, I was asking my boss for more hours since I had only been working 2 or 3 days a week, and now that she FINALLY gives me more hours, I'm gonna call off?! I don't think so. She'll say to herself that I must not really need more hours so she'll give them to someone else. Honestly, I wish I didn't have to work at all. I'd love to stay home like I used to. Cook, keep the house clean, get rid of the huge pile of dirty laundry in the basement, watch TV, rest, spend more time with the kids, more time with Shaun, etc.. But if I do that, I won't get paid. I just wish Shaun would understand that.
He wasn't like this at the beginning of our relationship. He was so confident and trusting. He was understanding and kind. Now all of that is gone, or nearly gone, and as the time approaches for him to be here, he's getting worse! Why?!?!?! I wish I could have some shrink peek inside his head to see what the hell is going on in there, because I really don't know. Normally I'm able to understand why people act a certain way, but when it comes to him, I'm totally clueless.
I'm so frustrated and unhappy. This entire year and five months or so I had been the happiest I'd been in a really long time. But suddenly, that's changing, and I don't know what to do.
Correction: This is my second rant about Shaun.. I just saw I posted one on November 26th...
Yes, that's right.. Shaun has finally booked his flight! He went to the travel agency last Thursday and bought his tickets. He'll be here (God willing) on February 13th! A day before Valentine's Day, and two days before his birthday.
The kids are very excited about Shaun coming to stay with us, and I am absolutely ecstatic! It's been a long wait, (16 months!) and we pray that nothing comes in the way of Shaun and I finally meeting in person.
